Okay, so.
And it’s sooooooooo odd how long it’s been since I’ve blogged like this, but I’m trying to commit my thoughts to long-form prose more often again.
I am behind on SO much aha.
And wow, does that feel good to say when I’m NOT depressed for once!
But you know what, I’m feeling good.
And while I was walking stitch back home today, I thought about how much of my life I’ve lived NOT feeling good and how I’ve had several different coping mechanisms to deal with this!
I lost myself in love, which I recognised, but also didn’t fully comprehend, but also fell back into again after my life got ruptured…Again lol.
I realise now that my body had learnt that the only time I knew when I felt safe, was in love with somebody else, so subsequently I was subconsciously addicted to that feeling!
And it feels GOODT g.
But doesn’t every drug? LOL
And it made me think of how I smoked, drank, self-harmed more generally etc to cope when my depression and anxiety was REALLY BAD. And I know it feels counterintuitive in ways, but when you feel THAT empty and desolate, ANY feeling. ANY feeling at all, feels better than an absence of anything.
I also, through losing my faith, had a vast void left from that too. I filled this with loading up on knowledge. I thought, okay, what can I be SURE of then? How about I get really good at that? That should make me feel better, right? Feeling SMART. That’s something I can control?
And it’s today, as I was walking stitch that I realised, that I’m HAPPY! It was a difficult day at work. I’ve been struggling with different communication styles, but also just coming to terms with the way I’ve changed as a person. I’m MUCH more aware of my vulnerability than I ever have been before. I’m also less sure about a lot of things. Often finding myself second-guessing myself in situations where I would have never done before. But on the other hand, I’m totally comfortable with being misunderstood. Before I would have felt the need to do so much ti prove my self worth to people. To prove I’m right! Now I know how to feel vulnerable, but also be totally comfortable with not being understood in that vulnerability also.
I’ve spent so much of my life hiding / being ashamed of who I am. Feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with me. Feeling like my entire life is a literal waste of space. That if I don’t make it count for SOMETHING, then it’s of no value at all. But that makes sense when you’re sad, right? When you’re that deeply depressed. Then what you are can’t possibly feel like enough, because what you are doesn’t feel like anything at all!
I realised that all these unhealthy coping mechanisms, weren’t me feeling good at all, they were just a way for me to disassociate from how bad I felt when I actually felt present. Because, my present reality, was deep sadness and so much unresolved trauma.
But now that I’m not depressed (yay!) lol things that make me disassociate feel awfulllllll! Smoking, drinking, eating bad food, peeling at my skin, engaging in romantic relationships with toxic people, all these things felt amazzzinnggg, because they were simply a route of escapism from how I felt about myself.
Now that I WANT to be present, because me being my most present now gives me the most joy…All those things feel sooooo bad, because I’m now experiencing them in present time.
So sure, smoking can give you a bit (sometimes a LOT) of a respite, but you literally have to burn your throat with hot sooty smoke for that. It’s actually an unpleasant experience, when you experience it in real time and for what it really is, not just because of the effect of it you’re after.
Alcohol truly is a depressant! Now that I’m not depressed, I feel the effects immediately. It actually makes me feel heavier and OH it can also irritate your throat.
Bad food doesn’t actually taste good at all! It’s just convenient and triggers a dopamine rush when you can afford it! Have you ever noticed how you can wolf down sooooo much bad food, yet still feel super hungry. Yet when it’s good food / truly nutritious, you don’t need to eat anywhere near as much as you feel super full?
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It’s incredible to think I wrote this a few weeks ago and what’s happened since.
Life is so beautiful, yet so cruel and I’m not sure about how worth it it truly is for somebody like me.
